Diving

You asked me what the meaning of life was

Whales? I said, with a question mark larger than my nose

You tried again, 'do you love me?'

I wondered if it was really a question

Or a thought that struck us both

The day I saw you, golden and blue

Swimming lengths of that tiny backyard pool

The most beautiful boy

A little older than me, mysterious, exotic

I followed you all day

I learned to dive, and the sun burned

My pale virgin skin

Which you took in your hand

My hand

The whole of my body in that one grasp

Blistering under your touch

I couldn't speak to you

It was too bright, too clear, too painfully explicit

To say more than 'uno', 'this is the english way of saying trashcan',

What's a quarterback?

When I left you, I felt that I was drowning

Fifteen lengths of a smaller pool, underwater

Four years passed, or maybe three

Dreaming of you, waiting for your letters to form on the screen

Let's go to Paris, you said, together

I'll open a bookshop

Or maybe London

The thing is, I read what I want to

Into those messages you sent to a little girl you found

Sweetly waiting

Those books, without the scribbled-upon notes you lacked so badly

To get more than the car you bought with the money for college

To drive to california to see the girl

Whose love you wanted so badly

I gave you mine. Please,

Come back.

The day she told me.

The cold white shock of your bones lying in the soft ground.

I did not cry. The sun no longer burned, eclipsed by the

Earthy shadow cast as you dive headfirst

Into the mud, shimmer and vanish

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you

I will always love you, please. Please. Please. Please. Please.

Listen to me.

I stopped sleeping with the light on.

Your ghost, at least, knew

That my heart was gone

An empty crisp-packet of a shell

(Crisps are chips, but really chips are fries, do you remember?)

Sleeping alone in the dark

Thinking of you

Not crying, and soon

Unable to speak.